Decisions, Decisions

Whether it's big life pivots or the day-to-day dilemmas of modern life, decision-making can stir up all kinds of subtle (and not-so-subtle) internal noise.

All of my work with clients contains decisions. My decisions as a space holder, and the client's decisions around all kinds of things. The most important aspect of decision making that I call attention to is not just what we’re deciding (because sometimes our options are not what they seem) but also very importantly where we are making our decisions from. The head, heart, spirit, and body are all involved.

For people less comfortable in their bodies who prefer to work more cerebrally, the Cartesian Coordinates can be a good place to start to enquire and reflect.

Cartesian Coordinates

Simple but surprisingly useful, the Cartesian Coordinates are a tool that help us gently interrogate a belief or choice by asking four questions:

1. What would happen if I did X?

2. What would happen if I didn’t do X?

3. What wouldn’t happen if I did X?

4. What wouldn’t happen if I didn’t do X?

   
   

At first glance, this might look like wordplay. But give it time. These questions turn the decision-kaleidoscope just enough to show you something you hadn’t seen before. They help us notice the stories we’re telling, the unconscious loyalties we’re still honouring, the fears and fantasies that quietly drive the show.

(You may also have heard of Byron Katie’s “The Work”. She uses a set of questions called “turnarounds” to help you question the truth of things. This can lead to throwing the need to make a decision away completely!).

All of these questions are wonderful, AND insight only gets us so far. Even the clearest answers can fall flat if we’re trying to decide from a dysregulated nervous system. This is where we come back to the last issue of Practical Magic - The Window of Tolerance.

The Window of Tolerance

I often return to the idea of the Window of Tolerance - that sweet spot in our nervous system where we feel grounded enough to access curiosity, creativity, and calm. If we’re outside it (in flight, fight, freeze or collapse) we’re unable to make the same kind of conscious, measured choices that serve us well.

Choosing from fear, urgency, or depletion, means we are approaching the situation from a position of lack. When we are low on resources, all we can see is ‘not enough’ everywhere. When we are in survival mode, the body does not want to waste energy on imagination or creativity, generating new options or identifying other opportunities.

This is why it is important to check in with where you are - not just intellectually - but somatically in your body, in your breathing, in your energy. Are you resourced enough to know what you want? To feel what’s true instead of feeling what is based in fear?

Capacity and desire

Your ‘window of tolerance’ dictates your capacity to recognise and connect with what you truly desire. Let’s assume you are inside your window and able to make real decisions.

The next step is to ask yourself:

• What do I desire? (magical and energetic) and

• What do I have capacity for? (practical and strategic)

Capacity and desire do not always correlate, and it is important to consider both factors in order to make a decision that is in fact doable and sustainable.

If our desire is high and our capacity is low we are likely to over-promise and break our commitments leading to a potential loss of trust.

If our capacity is high and our desire is low, we are likely to resent doing what we have agreed to because there is little enjoyment in it for us (this is a habit and pattern that plays out a lot with “people-pleasing”).

Just because you really want to do something doesn’t mean you can.

Just because you can do something, does not mean you “should”.

Sometimes desire shows up before we’re ready to undertake it.

Sometimes we have the capacity for things but we find we no longer want them.

If a decision feels overwhelming, it is good to break it down into smaller chunks. Ask:

• What kind of decision do I have capacity for right now? (if any)

• What is the smallest decision I can make here? (if any)

Remember - deciding to not make a decision is still making a decision. Waiting until you feel more ready is a decision.

When we have decided:

Decisions are seeds that we plant. Once planted you get to decide how you are going to treat, nurture and move forward with your decision, or dig it up and plant a new one, or leave it to nature to decide its fate. You choose what you make of the decision. There is no perfect decision, only the best you can do at the time. And you can always aim to turn your decision into one you are glad you made.

One thing is for sure, feeding them with the energy of fear is going to reap a very different outcome than holding them with objectivity or surrounding them with the energy of expansion and abundance.

So if you're wrestling with something, pause. Get curious. Ask the Cartesian questions. Delve into whether there is even a decision to be made using The Work. Check in on your nervous system. Get honest about your capacity and desire. Above all, remember that there’s no one "right" answer - there is only how you proceed.