Practical Magic: Working with your Window of Tolerance

There’s a concept I often return to in working with clients - because it can radically shift your perspective away from self judgment and towards grace for yourself and the world. It’s called the Window of Tolerance, and it’s one of those ideas that can help you better understand yourself. Shedding both a compassionate and an objective light on your feelings and reactions, enabling you to navigate life with more grounding and grace. 

Coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, the Window of Tolerance depicts the optimal zone of arousal in which we can function and feel our best. When we’re within our window, we feel grounded, present, capable, and emotionally regulated. We can think clearly, connect with others, and respond to stress in a way that aligns with our values. In short, we feel like ourselves.

So why isn’t this our experience all the time?

When stress becomes too much - whether through daily overwhelm or something more acute, including the triggering of past pains and traumas - we can find ourselves pushed outside this window. For some, that looks like hyperarousal: anxiety, anger, racing thoughts, a sense of panic. For others, it’s hypoarousal: shutting down, numbing out, feeling disconnected or frozen.

Neither state is wrong or shameful - they’re simply survival responses. Signals that our nervous system has moved into protection mode.

Why understanding your window matters

Practical

Understanding when you’re inside your own Window of Tolerance, versus outside of it, is like learning to access and read your own internal weather report. If you’re able to notice the subtle (or not-so-subtle) signs that you're nearing the edges of your window - you can take practical steps to lead you away from the storm. 

Magical

The real magic of the Window of Tolerance model is that it opens us up to compassionate inquiry. Instead of wondering “What’s wrong with me?” you can ask, “What’s happening in my nervous system right now?”. That shift - from judgment to curiosity - can be life-changing.

So, how can you use this day-to-day?

First start by noticing how you feel. Tuning in to yourself in the moment and noticing when you are nearing the edges.

When do you tend to feel agitated, easily triggered, or on edge? That might be a sign you’re nearing hyperarousal. When do you feel flat, checked out, or unable to muster energy or motivation? That could be hypoarousal.

When you know more about your window, you can start to take conscious actions to help you stay in it more often, and reparative action if you move outside of it. 

It’s important to remember that everyone’s window is different, and it’s not a fixed size. It can stretch or shrink depending on stress, rest, connection, trauma history, and resilience. That means everything from your work life, to your hydration, to the external weather, to the news, to the light/noise/air temperature/humidity, to hunger and tiredness can have an impact. 

The good news? You can widen your window over time. Small, consistent acts of self-care, self and co-regulation, and connection to yourself, others and the natural world make a big difference.

Which brings me to a beautiful complementary concept, that of Glimmers. 

The Practical Magic of Glimmers

Coined by Deb Dana (who is a deep scholar of Dr Stephen Porges Polyvagal Theory), Glimmers are the opposite of triggers. They are signs of safety and connection - and aside from being deeply lovely, the reason I am sharing them in this issue is that they help us find our way back to our window of tolerance. 

Glimmers are those micro-moments when something softens, settles, or sparks joy. A warm breeze on your skin. The sound of a friend’s voice. A kind glance. A song that stirs something good. Bird song. They don’t have to be grand or dramatic. They’re often small, quiet, and easily missed. But when you begin to look for them, you’ll start to notice them everywhere.

Here’s a gentle challenge for the week

Start a “Glimmer Log.” Each day, jot down 1-3 small moments that felt good, safe, or even just a little bit better. Over time, this helps train your nervous system to orient toward signs of safety, rather than only scanning for danger. It also gently reminds your body: You can come home to regulation.

You might also begin to notice your own signs of welcome (a relaxed jaw, deeper breath, spontaneous humour) and signs of warning (clenching, irritability, zoning out). These are your nervous system’s signals. Listening to them - without judgment - helps you tend to what you need.

Because the trick isn’t in forcing ourselves to “cope better” or “stay calm” all the time. The real magic is in recognising when we’re moving out of alignment - and learning how to find our way back with compassion and kindness. 

One practical tip to try this week:

When you feel yourself drifting toward overwhelm or shutdown, pause and ask:

“What’s one small thing I can do right now to feel just a little more grounded?”

Maybe it’s taking a few deeper breaths. Stepping outside for a moment. Placing your hand on your heart. Or recalling a glimmer from earlier in the day. 

It doesn’t have to fix everything. It just has to help you take one step closer to staying inside your window, or returning to it.