Practical Magic: Parenting & Individuality

The paradoxical challenge of being part of a family, while also being yourself 

Hello! 

It is January and I am experiencing a gentle move from wintering to a deep energetic rising. I feel like spring energy is almost here, even though (in my corner of the world at least) the weather would say otherwise! 

This month I have found the unfolding events surrounding the Beckham family to be a perfect entry point to the subject of family systems and dynamics, especially the role of parenting and being in receipt of parenting. (I would encourage you to read this month's article - regardless of whether you are currently parenting someone or are the child of a parent, from as broad a perspective as possible). I have seen lots of comments agreeing with the right to sever familial ties, and many more chastising the young man who has spoken out for entitlement and ingratitude. 

At the heart of all I have read in the press (yes I know it’s not “The Truth”) are some core assumptions that are almost always harmful for us, regardless of the context. The assumptions that:

1. A named role is the same as an identity and a capacity

2. We are indebted to our family

3. Families should remain in willing contact regardless of circumstance

4. Differing desires and choices than those of the unit (individuating) is a potential threat

5. What people see on the outside is “True”, and what happens on the inside must remain secret to protect reputations. 

A named role is the same as an identity and a capacity

The inbuilt challenge of parenting is that parents are essentially just other human beings who are older than their children - brought up in a different era, with different pressures, beliefs and projects, carrying their own blend of familial and individual teachings, strengths and wounds. What society projects onto the role of parent, and what the human being in receipt of that title is capable of and indeed willing to do, may be at complete odds. It seems to me that ultimately, parenting could simply be defined as an older human taking responsibility for the care of a younger human while it grows. How exactly that comes about, why it comes about, how it “should” come about etc - all of the complexities - are so context dependent as to be impossible to map. 

In my own experience, parenting is an incredibly challenging task, with lived experience and societal conditioning taking the internal wheel far more often than conscious self awareness and discernment. Not to mention that “Parents” (AKA people) carry the desire to heal their own childhood wounds, and unfortunately the ease with which they are able to (mostly subconscious and seemingly unavoidably) project these onto their own children and play out healing attempts is hard to resist. I have certainly attempted to afford my child better than I received, and while the narrative is so often “I want better for my children” the reality is really we want better for ourselves, and our children are living a completely different experience and are completely different people. 

The assumption that we are indebted to our family

In short, we often forget that the child had no choice when it came to being born. They were not consulted, nor did they consent to how, where, when etc they were to be raised. They didn’t choose to be put in the spotlight or to be ignored. Yes they will have asked for things - a cookie, a cuddle, a gift, some playtime, but ultimately they are asking for those things from a place of being driven by a set of human needs. They did not know when they came into the world they were going to be projected onto, used for healing or keeping up appearances or to fill a hole.

Expecting automatic gratitude from a young person who is simply dealing with the hand they were given, with no real control over anything, confuses and upsets the child and means that the parent is attempting to control instead of to love. This is not to say children need not consider others or express gratitude in any way, it means that using ingratitude as an accusation is actually a control mechanism. Genuine gratitude is a pure feeling - it is appreciation without strings attached. It isn’t obedience, loyalty bought with guilt, or a way to make someone repay you. Most especially for something you did not consent to in the first place. 

Families should remain in willing contact regardless of circumstance

This assumption is problematic because it essentially posits that to remain part of the family we must agree with and abide by our family's way of operating. It also suggests that a) families owe each other contact (see above re. indebtedness) and b) boundaries within families are either not okay at all, or only okay up to a certain point. 

As you contemplate this, you might start to wonder about the most extreme version of lack of boundaries/powerlessness - a cult. I always remember one of my wonderful therapy teachers saying that a relationship is essentially a two person cult. I am sharing below a much shortened extract of the “Six Conditions for Thought Reform” by Margaret T. Singer PhD, as they make for fascinating food for thought when it comes to parenting (see the full extract here). 

“1. Keep the person unaware of what is going on and how she or he is being changed a step at a time.  Potential new members are led, step by step, through a behavioral-change program without being aware of the final agenda or full content of the group…

2. Control the person's social and/or physical environment; especially control the person's time.  Through various methods, newer members are kept busy and led to think about the group and its content during as much of their waking time as possible.

3. …

4. …

5. Manipulate a system of rewards, punishments, and experiences in order to promote learning the group's ideology or belief system and group-approved behaviors. Good behavior, demonstrating an understanding and acceptance of the group's beliefs, and compliance are rewarded while questioning, expressing doubts or criticizing are met with disapproval, redress and possible rejection. If one expresses a question, he or she is made to feel that there is something inherently wrong with them to be questioning.

6. Put forth a closed system of logic and an authoritarian structure that permits no feedback and refuses to be modified except by leadership approval or executive order. The group has a top-down, pyramid structure. The leaders must have verbal ways of never losing.”- Margaret T. Singer, PhD (1995)

What is so difficult about families is that having a baby and raising a little being who is so wide open and malleable makes it pretty much impossible to avoid some of the things above. As a parent or caregiver you are growing in yourself as well as caring for your wards one step at a time so nobody can be certain of the end goal at all times. You are always impressing your own opinions, projections, world views and issues onto them. We are always role modelling something, and indeed the child needs a world to exist around them to keep them safe and to help them learn. 

The assumption that being different from each other is a threat 

Parenting is, in large part, about our own level of self-awareness and the attempt to offer our children openings and choices rather than closing them down. This is easier said than done. Our children choosing differently than us can be triggering. Shattering projections and illusions, and unnamed hopes and fears. Parenting is already so full of uncertainty it is easy to miss how hard we are subconsciously clinging to these in order to make decisions and feel we are doing a “good job”. A difference of approach and choice, most especially if we are already feeling insecure about ourselves or our merit as parents, can feel like a major threat coming to challenge the certainty of all we have built so far. What if we never really knew who they were? What if they use all they know about us to destroy the image of ourselves we have built up? What if? 

It is easy to see how some parents, especially those in the public eye, could really spiral from what might feel like an attack. The difficulty here is that insecurity breeds insecurity. When a child’s differences and choices are quashed or dismissed or judged as unacceptable (because of the parents own insecurities and fears about what it means for them), they learn their choices aren’t good enough and so they internalise that they aren’t good enough, and the cycle continues. If loyalty means not being able to be your own full individual then it is a poisoned chalice. Children need space to fail, to find themselves, and to be seen for who they are, not for who their parents project onto them.

What people see on the outside is “True”, and what happens on the inside must remain secret 

Seeing ourselves through external eyes makes everything harder. Most parents project their fear of being judged onto their children’s behavior. That projection harms the child’s right to, and ability to access, their natural expression. This continues the flow of repression and insecurity, and what runs through families runs through society. 

We never know the whole story. A child’s tantrum in the street invites instant judgment - either about the child, or about the parenting. Were they like this from the moment they were born? Is it their character? (No). Is their behaviour a product of the parents fear of anger? Is it over-compensation for wounding around not having their own childhood needs met? Are they crying for attention from a depressed or disconnected caregiver? Are they neurodivergent? Are they dehydrated and they don’t know it? There are so many possibilities for what is “true”. 

Parents (and their kids) are in an incredibly vulnerable position when it comes to judgment, so it makes sense that they would want to project their best possible outward facing appearance to the world and hide away the things that could hurt and reduce and threaten their already wobbly and uncertain (whether conscious or not) perception of themselves. Admitting that they are learning or feel at fault is incredibly hard because just like the child, they are figuring things out as they go, with or without the resources, support and healthy relationships they need in order to do their best work. Rarely does a parent want to believe, let alone explain to someone, that the root of their child's behavior is their own childhood issues. 

We could all benefit from practicing curiosity and humility and compassion. Being part of a family can be a wonderful lesson in this IF we are willing and/or safely able to be vulnerable. I firmly believe we are all always doing the best we can with what we have. 

Thank you for reading, and as always, I welcome your thoughts.

Best,

Freya