Practical Magic: Chores and Choices - navigating the mental load

Freya Blom
Jul 29
8 min read

Updated: Aug 20

This month, housework has been a recurring theme - in conversations with clients and in my own life. Literal housework, yes, but also the kind of “housekeeping” that shows up in our life and work, in our daily mental and emotional labour.

The truth is: it never ends. There’s always more to do. But when we stop striving for total completion, we can shift from pressure to presence, and take genuine satisfaction in small wins instead of living in the (often fight / flight) energy of chasing the impossible.

This issue is about honesty, acceptance, and the quiet power of choice - with some practical prompts at the end.

Choice vs. Chore

What’s inside us shows up in how we approach housework. The dishes don’t change - but how we feel about doing them can and does shift day to day. The same task might feel meditative one day and deeply annoying the next. Our nervous systems, capacity, mental load, trauma history, cultural background, and access to support all shape whether something feels like a simple task… or a burden we shouldn’t have to carry alone.

Let’s be clear: not all choices are created equal. Some people have more spaciousness, time, money, or help. Some are surviving racism, ableism, classism, or poverty. And some are simply exhausted. So when I talk about choice, I don’t mean to dismiss the realities that shape and constrain what’s available to each of us.

What I am offering is the idea that even within limitations, we can find a sliver of agency - a thread of decision-making that connects us to our own power. When we forget we have any choice, even in the smallest things, we can begin to feel like victims of our lives. But when we remember that we are actively saying yes - even reluctantly - to a task, we reclaim a little light.

I could decide never to vacuum my house again. That might mean living in a dusty house, or moving to one with no carpets, or finding someone else to do it. Those options may not all be viable, but the awareness that some form of choice exists reminds me I am not trapped - I’m engaged. I am deciding. And with that, I can begin to loosen the knot of resentment, and sometimes even find freedom in the doing.

I can hear your parts saying ‘BUT, if we don’t do this thing our house will burn down or our children might starve, or I would become homeless.’ All of that is true. And yet it is still a choice. To survive, to protect your house, to keep your children healthy. Even if the counter feels unthinkable, our ability to recognise our decisions, however difficult, is vital.

There is No End to Work

If we can really lean into accepting that life will forever be asking us questions about what we want, what we value, and what we are capable of (essentially our capacity and desire - read more here) we can approach finding peace, and ultimately - feel more in control. Remember, being at war with reality will only ever keep us stuck. Tasks never end. While we exist in this physical capacity there will always be something to be done - to maintain our bodies if nothing else. While this could feel overwhelming, it is my experience that when we accept the never-ending flow of tasks, we are able to see that as there is no end, we need not cling so tightly to the impossible notion of perfection, or completion.

If our life asks us for consistent action, even if it is just a heartbeat, then essentially we are forever in a process. The process contains phases, meaning, mini-beginnings and mini-endings, mini-completions. Sometimes if we are doing a project we can have bigger completions too. Take a jigsaw puzzle. Each piece carries with it the satisfaction of the process of finding and fitting, and each placing provides the mini-satisfaction of completion. And when the whole jigsaw is done we have a larger sense of completion.

I find jigsaws wonderfully representative of the phases of life we move through. I often complete a jigsaw only to break it up and do another one. My aim is not the finished picture to gaze at (those lines would irritate me!). It is the joy of the process. The joy of the attention I pay to the colours and the forms and the way things fit together. It is the hunting and gathering of pieces I need. The emergence of whole sections, the satisfaction of the last leg of the journey. It is also the novelty of starting afresh. Learning to love processes and mini-projects is a wonderful way to experience life. And for those who can’t stand jigsaws - you will already have your own version of this. Perhaps you are just not enjoying it because it does not “feel” like a choice. Perhaps there are choices you can make that will change that…

From Jigsaw Puzzles to Brushing Teeth

Reminder: Choices do not have to be interesting, fun, pleasurable, interesting, painful or difficult.

Moving away from jigsaws, it is important to consider that we don’t always need to enjoy something for it to be an important and valuable part of our lives. I often use the example of brushing teeth. We don’t have to enjoy it, and we don’t technically have to do it. We could choose to prioritise other things entirely. However if we want the results (clean teeth, fresh breath and the ability to chew food) we will likely choose to do it, and then, even though we did not enjoy the process, we will benefit from our actions. Choices can be painful when we feel trapped into making the least bad one. This hurts because the choice we are making does not feel like one we would actually choose. So here we come back to the importance of remembering that while the context and constraints of our choices might sometimes be limited, it is our agency that is bringing the light, even if it is only a sliver more light than there would be otherwise.

Mess, Discipline & Surrender

Messy processes are just as valid as tidy ones. Life doesn’t always happen in neat rows - sometimes it’s scattered, chaotic, gritty. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. Sometimes, mess is exactly what honesty looks like. Sometimes it’s what healing or creativity or realignment has to look like.

But mess doesn’t mean lack of care. It’s not the opposite of discipline - it’s just one part of the dance. And when we bring conscious structure in service of ourselves, not against ourselves, we begin to build the kind of rhythm that supports us rather than restricts us.

There is value in both discipline and surrender, in both the fixed and the fluid. The key is knowing which is needed when. In my article ‘Discipline vs. surrender: how to balance structure and flow’, I explored how discipline is not about punishment or performance - it’s about commitment and devotion. It's a way of protecting what we care about, of creating form so that our energy can flow.

Surrender, on the other hand, is not freefalling or ‘giving up’. It’s softening. It’s letting go of our perceived control and thereby the barriers we have erected within ourselves. When we surrender with intention, we create space for honesty, responsiveness, rest, creation, and the bubbling up of truths that truly belong to us.

So if you’re in a messy phase, ask: Is this the kind of mess that’s asking for support and structure - or the kind that’s asking to be accepted as part of the process?

Why Am I Doing This?

Some of us are carrying enormous mental loads - and many of us, surprisingly, are reluctant to let them go. Not because we love the stress, but because in some way, it serves a function. Just like the WAIT reflection (Why Am I Talking?), it can be powerful to pause and ask:

Why am I doing this? Why am I still carrying it?

Here are some of the hidden reasons that explain why we might be holding on:

Distraction: Staying busy helps us avoid thoughts or feelings that feel too complex, painful, boring or overwhelming.
Avoidance: Mental busyness replaces emotional labour. It delays uncomfortable actions or conversations, or shields us from facing our own choices.
Overwhelm: We're too exhausted to restructure things, so we default to what we know, even if it’s heavy.
Power: Managing every detail gives us a significant role to play. One that can offer us a sense of authority, importance, even superiority.
Control: When life feels uncontrollable, managing every detail can give us a temporary sense of safety. Sometimes it feels safer to carry it ourselves than risk trusting others who might not do it "right".
Moral messaging: We want to teach a lesson - by doing everything, we silently point out that others aren't stepping up.
Conditioning: We've absorbed beliefs about what a “good” parent, partner, or professional should do.
Perfectionism: We set unrealistic standards, then punish ourselves for failing to meet them.
Habit: We've slowly accumulated responsibilities over time without ever editing the list.
Competence: These tasks give us a sense of mastery in areas where we might feel uncertain elsewhere.
Grounding: The structure of to-dos feels stabilising, especially when life feels chaotic.

None of these are wrong - they’re protective strategies. But awareness opens the door to change. Which of these feel familiar to you?

Practical Magical Practice

Use these prompts to explore what you’re carrying, why, and what might be possible if some of it changed:

Theme	Reflection Questions
Awareness of Current Load	Why am I doing these things? Where do I need to reduce my expectations of myself? What am I not doing because I am doing other things that don’t need to be done by me?
Redistribution and Support	Could they be shared with/given to someone else? (Who? How? When?) What would it take (if anything) for me to be able to let them go? With who / where can I share my situation, needs and desires, and find support for the things that are too challenging for you? Some of that might be paid for, some swapped, and some freely given.
Personal Alignment and Energy	Which of the inventory items feel good/grounding if I am not overwhelmed or stretched too thin? Which of these items am I naturally skilled at? Which of these most drain my energy? Which are neutral? Which might even energise me if the overall load was reduced?
Values and Prioritisation	What are my true priorities? What do I and my household value the most? What could I let go/let slide without any real consequence? (Refer back to the prioritisation issue of Practical Magic.)

We Were Never Meant to Play Every Instrument

We were never meant to play every single instrument in the orchestra. Sure we can conduct from time to time, and yes we also need to experience simply playing. Life asks us to recognise our part, our rhythm, our capacity - and to recognise the same for others.

Some tasks will be yours to hold. Others can be handed over, shared, or released entirely. That might mean paying for support, swapping skills, asking for help - or simply accepting that not everything has to get done. You might be surprised by how many people want to show up for you when you let them know what you need.

There is no perfect finish line. No gold star for doing it all alone. But there is the quiet power of making honest choices, of noticing your limits with care, and of remembering: you are allowed to live inside your life, not perform it.

Practical Resources

This month’s themes are closely woven into other issues of Practical Magic. If you’d like to explore any of them more deeply, here’s a round-up of related concepts and articles:

WAIT (Why Am I Talking?): A simple reflective tool for checking in with your intentions and energy before you act or speak. Read the WAIT issue
Prioritisation as Practice: Practical reflections on how to choose what matters, and let go of the rest. Read the Prioritisation issue
Discipline & Surrender: How structure can be an act of devotion - and when letting go might be the most supportive thing of all. Read Discipline & Surrender
Capacity & Desire: Understanding what you’re truly available for - emotionally, physically, practically - and making decisions from that place. Read Capacity & Desire