Practical Magic: The “I’m OK, You’re OK” Model

At the heart of healthy relationships and self-understanding lies a deceptively simple yet deeply insightful concept: the “I’m OK, You’re OK” model, developed by psychiatrist Thomas Anthony Harris. This model is old but gold.

A powerful tool for exploring how we perceive ourselves and others, it provides a practical framework for fostering more balanced and fulfilling interactions in our daily lives. The model is built around a simple 2x2 square, creating four quadrants that represent different ways we can perceive ourselves and others.

The Four Quadrants

Each quadrant reflects a mental and emotional stance that influences how we relate to ourselves and the people around us.

1. I’m OK, You’re OK (Healthy and Balanced)

2. I’m OK, You’re Not OK (Judgmental or Superior)

3. I’m Not OK, You’re OK (Inferior or Insecure)

4. I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK (Hopeless or Pessimistic)

   
   

   

   In the model, OK does not represent your emotional state. Okayness means that a person is inherently valuable and worthy. It denotes acceptance that we are imperfectly perfectly whole.

   
   

   1. I’m OK, You’re OK

   This is the ideal internal state to inhabit. Here, you recognise your inherent worth (“I’m OK”) while also valuing others for their inherent value (“You’re OK”). This mindset fosters open communication, collaboration, and trust. It’s the foundation for healthy, respectful relationships, where differences can be acknowledged, problem-solving can be centered and approached objectively, and issues resolved constructively. Awareness of both parties' positions is key. How can you tell both parties are feeling this? There is an alignment in your interaction. You feel “on the same wavelength”.

   
   

   However it is also possible for you to believe you are okay and believe other people are too, while the other person subconsciously believes otherwise. This hidden imbalance can cause issues in your dynamic. They may put you on a pedestal (and remember the only way off a pedestal is down) holding you to unrealistic standards. They may feel judged by you (even though it is actually them who are judging themselves) and they may alter their behaviour in a bid to gain your approval. What matters is that if you allow yourself to believe that others are okay, and act accordingly, you will be living in alignment with your own truth. The other person is responsible for their own beliefs and actions and that is out of your control.

   
   
   
   

   2. I’m OK, You’re Not OK

   In this quadrant, you view yourself as capable and worthy but perceive others as lacking or flawed. This stance can lead to judgmental behaviour, a feeling of dominance, or an air of superiority. It’s a mindset that provides temporary emotional protection, masquerading as confidence and competence, but very often creates distance, tension and power imbalances in relationships.

   
   

   While privilege can certainly play a part, it is useful to consider where this position comes from. This position often masks a deeply held belief that we are not, in ourselves, enough. People who need to feel better than someone else, in order to feel OK themselves, are likely very insecure - this is the hallmark of this quadrant.

   
   

   3. I’m Not OK, You’re OK

   Here, you see others as valuable and competent but doubt your own worth. This perception can result in you not trusting yourself, people-pleasing, and a tendency to defer to others, often at the expense of your own needs and boundaries. While this mindset may foster harmony in the short term, it often leads to burnout and resentment. Another consideration for taking this position is the pressure and expectation it puts upon the person on the pedestal. Perhaps they have asked us to do this, in which case their plan is working. Perhaps though they have not. If we are projecting a fantasy of perfection or betterness onto another person, and they act out of alignment with our dream of them, the dynamic can shift greatly (and even cause us to swing into thinking we are OK and they are not!).

   
   

   It is interesting to consider where this position has come from. It can often stem from an authority figure in childhood, either as a result of their judgement of you, or indeed as a judgement of themselves that they have projected onto you. Either way, this is one of those incredibly rare occasions where I will use an absolute, and say with absolute certainty that you have never, are never, and will never be less okay than another person. I am living proof that with enough commitment to your own healing and growth and willingness to feel uncomfortable, this fundamental position can indeed change to “I’m okay, you’re okay”.  

   
   

   4. I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK

   This is the quadrant of despair. Both self-worth and the value of others are in question. It’s a mindset characterised by hopelessness and negativity, where nurturing connection and progress feel out of reach. Instead, in this dynamic, connection comes from shared grievances, and a shared sense of helplessness, promoting a vicious cycle of self-judgement and shame which can be hard to break. Some people are in this position without realising. They are likely to be sat in judgement of anyone trying to better themselves (because it touches too deep a nerve for them). Their comfort zone is full of pain, and the fear of the loss of something better keeps them wedded to stasis. They will often gravitate toward people who feel the same, and form couples or groups of people who hold each other back from healing.

   
   

   This quadrant limits our quality of life, and is often reinforced by the limiting environment we are in (which has often been created by the belief that we don’t deserve better). While it can feel hopeless and stuck, change is possible. A flicker of desire for change can turn into a flame when we encounter a new environment, a new person, or a significant life event. These forcing functions for deeper self-reflection can lead to us seeking out external healing support and resources to shift us out of the cycle.

   
   

   If you know someone in this position and you want to help them, it is important to remember that your influence is limited. Only through role modelling your own journey can you act as a potential inspiration. If you try to push (or even encourage), you can unwittingly be reinforcing the idea that they are not okay.

   
   

   Why it matters

   
   

   Understanding and working with the “I’m OK, You’re OK” model can:

   
   

   1. Build your self-awareness: By identifying which quadrant you’re operating from, you gain insight into your current emotional state and relational patterns. You can depersonalise dynamics, removing judgment and instead look for information.

   
   

   1. Encourage personal growth: Shifting out of the “Not OK” quadrants is a path toward personal development. Whether through reflection, dialogue, or professional support, the process of realignment helps you step into a more empowered and connected version of yourself.

   
   

   1. Improve your relationships: Striving for an “I’m OK, You’re OK” mindset fosters connection, empathy, and trust. It helps you navigate differences without losing respect for yourself or the other person.

   Example considerations for daily life

   
   

   • In conflict: Are you approaching disagreements with an “I’m OK, You’re OK” mindset, seeking mutual understanding? Or are you slipping into “I’m OK, You’re Not OK” by assuming blame lies entirely with the other person?

   • In relationships: Are you overvaluing others at your own expense (“I’m Not OK, You’re OK”)? Or do you find yourself struggling to connect due to a sense of hopelessness (“I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK”)?

   • In self-talk: Do you acknowledge your own strengths and humanity while being compassionate towards yourself (“I’m OK”), or do you lean into harsh self-criticism (“I’m not OK”) and judgment of others (You’re not OK)?

   
   
   
   

   A practical exercise

   
   

   Next time you encounter a challenging situation, pause and ask yourself:

   
   

   1. Which quadrant am I currently in?

   2. How is this perspective influencing my feelings, thoughts, and actions?

   3. What would it look like to move towards “I’m OK, You’re OK” in this moment? What might I say or do differently?

   
   

   This simple reflection can help you recalibrate your mindset and approach challenges with greater clarity and compassion.

   
   

   It is worth noting that if you are a person who generally feels they and others are okay, and you start to feel less than okay, it may be because you are spending time with someone who is in this quadrant. Other people's dynamics show up in our responses to spending time with them. Is the power of someone else’s insecurity showing up in you? Ask yourself: ‘which quadrant am I in when I am with this person?’.

   
   

   Final thoughts

   
   

   The beauty of the “I’m OK, You’re OK” model lies in its simplicity and universality. It’s a reminder that healthy relationships - with yourself and others - start with a foundation of mutual respect and worth. While none of us operate from “I’m OK, You’re OK” 100% of the time, the model offers a clear, aspirational guide for how we can navigate life with more ease, understanding, and connection.

   
   

   The Disney Frame - a deeper dive.

   
   

   If you have seen my issue of Practical magic where I talk about the Disney Frame, you will be able to see the impact of the I’m OK, You’re OK model on the relationships between the different roles.